A difficult subject…

 

I wasn’t sure what I would write this blog about, there are so many things happening for Kelvin and I at the moment that I actually wasn’t sure which topic to base this blog about. For example; we have our wedding next summer, so many things to plan and so many decisions to make! Our new home, we have finally found our forever home! It’s been a long and somewhat stressful journey to get to this point but we finally got there! Along with career projects and Milestones with Evie, its safe to say were keeping busy!

My stomach is churning as I write this, I decided I need to be honest, not only about the highs in life but also the lows. In todays society we such a distorted view of Celebrities, Bloggers and also our colleagues lives, distant families lives and maybe even the life of the family down the street. Not many people let you see the struggles, the unfiltered selfies that didn’t make the cut or the other things that aren’t ‘Insta worthy’. When I started this blog I thought I would not only document the exciting parts but maybe some of the parts that aren’t so great, I want to keep it real to who I am and what we experience.

 

So here goes. A few weeks ago we discovered we were expecting another baby, I can’t tell you how excited we were. It came at the perfect time and we couldn’t have felt happier. Unfortunately, soon after we found out, sadly I had bleed and we lost the baby.

I feel silly even referring to it as a baby as we were really early in the pregnancy and had not yet had a scan but I did grieve and I did feel like I had lost something very special. I feel it is such a cruel twist of fate to get such happy news and then have it taken away. Just like that. No explanation. We had been out for dinner to celebrate, told our families and I had told a couple of my friends. When I started to bleed I did hold out some hope, we had a bleed early on with Evie and everything was ok. I have been told bleeds in early pregnancy are quite common so was hoping this would be the case. Unfortunately, it carried on the whole next day and then continued for a few days.

 

On the first day of the bleed, after ringing 111 for advice, I went to the out of hours’ doctors. I was met with a doctor (?) I’m not sure if he was a doctor but he saw me anyway. He flatly told me “It sounds like you’ve had a miscarriage” I was confused and upset and felt it was wrong of him to diagnose me at that point with no medical back up. At this stage the bleed was similar to what I experienced with Evie so I headed home angry & upset. I really wanted him to be wrong. I felt he showed no compassion with his words. To hear those words is not easy for anybody and he could have referred me or at least given me a website or leaflet to take home and digest!

 

I think the hardest thing was the week after, I still had pregnancy symptoms and despite the loss, my morning sickness actually came a couple of days later which felt a massive kick in the teeth. I had the morning sickness for 3 days and every time I felt that wave of sickness it took me right back to how I felt when I was pregnant with Evie, waves of nostalgia and also sadness that this time it wasn’t meant to be.

One of the most frustrating things of all was the timing of this would have been so perfect to give us time to enjoy with our new baby before the wedding prep began, I think now plans for a second baby will have to go on hold till after our wedding now. We hoped to have our children close together but sadly things don’t always go to plan, I’m a firm believer in things happening for a reason. It wasn’t the right time and clearly my body knew that something wasn’t quite right. Right now we are moving forward and looking forward to the exciting things we have planned. Kelvin has been brilliant, he too was so looking forward to having another baby, but like he says it just wasn’t the right time for us this time. We are so lucky and grateful to have our beautiful healthy little Evie and she gives us so much joy and love every day. i’m sure our time will come to have another baby in the future.

 

I’ve added a couple of links below in case anybody reading this needs any support with any issues raised on this post.

Thank you for reading my Blog.

Maria

x

https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/miscarriage/afterwards/

https://www.samaritans.org

16 comments

  1. I so so feel for you! My first pregnancy – ended in a miscarriage and I too was in the very early stages that I felt I couldn’t grieve apart from on my own or with my partner. I felt completely broken and it was something I couldn’t speak to many people about. But I did then fall pregnant very quickly and Im now blessed with a 5 month old little girl who I love dearly.
    Thankyou so much for sharing this with everyone, I feel this is a subject nobody talks about and people have to deal with it on their own!
    You’ll get that Rainbow baby one day who will be just that little bit more special because of how precious the journey of growing them will be x

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    • I hav suffered a miscarriage and I can say that it was definitely for the best. I’m happier and healthier as a result and I had a healthy pregnancy a year after. my youngest son is nearly four. Don’t be disheartened as they say everything happens for a reason although it doesn’t feel like that at the time. All the best xxx

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  2. Very brave to open up about this. I had 2 miscarriages, 1 at 7 weeks and 1 at 11… two days before my first scan. It had taken me a whole year to fall pregnant too. I already had a gorgeous daughter, so like you, I counted my blessings but still felt a sad loss nonetheless. We eventually had another beautiful girl and ended up with a 5 year age gap. Not what we’d planned but in hindsight it worked out well. Everything happens for a reason and I wish you all the best xx

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  3. So sorry for you. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks 4 days. Cruelly we had been for our 12 week scan already but we were earlier than we thought so had to go back two weeks later. We thought everything would be fine as we’d seen the baby moving around at the first scan but unfortunately there was no heartbeat. So I had to have an induced miscarriage which was horrible and I ended up passing the placenta on Xmas day.
    I’m currently 12 weeks pregnant again and going for my first scan tmw and am terrified.
    I think a loss at any stage is still a loss and definitely something you have to grieve.
    What I didn’t realise is how common this is.
    Best wishes to you and your family x

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  4. Aaah, I’m so sorry to read this! :o(

    I’ve bled early on in both my pregnancies. My second pregnancy being the worse, I too was told ‘yes, your test shows the hormone but sounds like you’re suffereing a loss’. It was a Sunday so not many people around at the hospital but I pushed to be scanned as I couldn’t go home not knowing! Luckily they got someone to scan me & turns out I was having a miscarriage but of a twin – one was gone & a sac was still there! I’m so glad I pushed because I’d have only come home & drank LOTS of wine after the first brush off comment! Like you say as hard as it is these things happen for a reason, doesn’t make it any easier but sounds like you have a mass of support. Xx

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  5. We were in the exact same boat. My daughter is 2 & we are desperate for another baby. We Fell pregnant in November, went for a scan & was told the baby had a large bladder, referred to the specialist but when we went for that appointment we found out the baby had already died. I was 13 weeks.
    We are desperately trying again.
    Thinking of you.

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  6. I started blogging just after I got married and when I found out in October that I was pregnant I considered blogging my experience. At 16 weeks I found out I had misscarried and since then have been trying to find the world and the willpower to tell my story. Reading yours has really helped! Thank you!

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  7. I’ve been through the same. I missed a period so I went to my doctor who estimated I was about 5 week pregnant but before I left said ‘remember that it is possible not to make it to 12 week’ I was like really?! So not nessesary but you can’t burst my bubble right now however I started to bleed the next day and carried on. I then saw another doctor who said it sounded like a miscarriage but he seemed so gutted for me! This happened in December 2016 and we were getting married in the summer of 2017 so we said it just wasn’t meant to be, that it knew we had a wedding to organise and that we would be ready once it was all over. We are currently trying to fingers crossed. So sorry for your loss. Good luck with your wedding and hope you feel better soon x

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  8. I had a miscarriage with my second baby at 10 weeks. We had a scan and everything was fine and the next day he or she passed on and I had a terrible miscarriage. I remember a lot of people saying “at least you have one already” and yes that’s true and I was so grateful but i found that really hard to hear. I still lost a part of me and my child. I will never forget but I have since been blessed and had another beautiful and happy son. Thank you for sharing something so difficult. Wish you all the luck for the future. X

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  9. Wow Maria and Kelvin

    You poor things not easy at all.

    I think it’s really brave of you to put this out there.

    Thank you for your blog.

    We are going through IVF for the second time (we have a little boy through IVF who is 2 this year) and we have had one failed attempt so far..hard to pick yourselves back up xx

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  10. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss but thank you for speaking out about your miscarriage.

    I unfortunately suffered two miscarriages after trying for a few years. Like you both were in the early stages so I felt like I couldn’t speak about it because so many women lose their babies a lot later on. At the time I kept it to myself and just close family and friends as I was scared about people not knowing what to say! In time I did speak out and found that a lot of women I knew had been through the same. Luckily now I have a gorgeous little boy, my rainbow baby!

    Miscarriage is still a taboo subject yet I’m sure many women out there feel like they have to suffer in silence just like I did.

    Thank you for writing this blog showing others that they are not alone and we all need to support each other.

    I wish you all the happiness for you and your family xxx

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  11. Hi Maria the same happened to me back in 2011 my husband and I already had 2 beautiful daughters aged 12 and 10 when we decided to try again. I found out I was pregnant on the 17th of March and we were so excited. We told Our daughters and our family only for me to miscarriage the very next day! 😢 I called the early pregnancy department of our local maternity hospital for them to diagnose my miscarriage over the phone. “No need to come in it sounds like you’ve already lost it” was what I was told. I know they say early pregnancy it’s not a baby but in my heart and my head it was. I grieved with my husband and Our daughters and with their love and support I have learned to live with it. We did go on to have another darling daughter the next year and she completes our family. I will never forget that pregnancy but maybe they were just not ment for this world. Thinking of you and Kelvin ❤️

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  12. We never know why the trials and tragedies land at our feet. But if for nothing else, it certainly makes the things you DO have and that DO go well for you all the sweeter. I always try to imagine how a situation could be worse to put it in perspective for myself. It doesn’t make your loss any easier, but it does put the emphasis on how lucky you are to be healthy, loving parents who are happy together with a beautiful little girl and surely a wonderful life ahead of you. You’re in my prayers. xo

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  13. So sorry for your loss Maria , happens to so many of us but no – one knows why

    I too lost my first baby 2 days before my first scan. We’d tried for a whole year and was over the moon with the news. To have it all taken away destroyed me and left a space in my heart I never thought would repair. A year later my son was born , he really has made our whole life. I still think about the loss of our first but I do agree there’s a reason the pregnancy didn’t work out. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time or wouldn’t have been a healthy baby

    Remain positive and cherish that little girl of yours even more. We are so lucky to make a life and have children .When the time is right it will happen for you again

    Take some time out for yourself now try not to dwell too much. ur dream of a family will happen .

    Take care hun xxx

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